Why? (173.4 lbs)

Everyone who has a history of overeating has a reason why. For me, it was the only way to feel in control of my life. I grew up in a very dysfunctional home with dysfunctional extending family. I didn't really have anywhere to go.  I didn't want to tell anyone what was going on behind closed doors because I was afraid of being judged. When you're 12 years old all you want it to fit in with the crowd.  So, I started eating to deal with the pain and chaos. That was the only thing I felt I had control over in my life.

My eating got worse in college with all the group projects, exams, and studying I was doing.  I never felt like I had enough time for myself because my life wasn't balanced. I wasn't prepared to be in my own, not like this. I knew how to have a job and be responsible in a team setting, but I'd never taken time for myself.   The only thing I knew how to do well was eat.

Eventually I started going to counseling because internalizing my feelings was making everything worse. I needed to learn to talk to people.  So far that has been a huge help and I don't eat food alone nearly as often. However, I do still eat a whole bag of donuts if I'm dealing with something emotionally draining.  A bad day at work doesn't do it for me. At this point in my life, only family confrontations cause me problems. I'm taking pride in my small victory of being able to identify the problem. I've learned that taking control is about me determining the outcome whenever I have that option.  So, when I'm dealing with family problems it is my reaction to the problem that I can control, not the other person.  I keep my house stocked with only healthy foods and I've started to making it a habit to ride my exercise bike when I'm upset or angry.  It helps get rid of a lot of built of tension and deal with the issue in a positive way.

My weight loss journey is about taking control of my emotions and my life.  It is about finally being able to talk about my feelings. It is about learning to take joy in the small things instead of only focusing on the negative.  I know this isn't going to be an easy path because I'm attempting to eradicate a mindset that's been around for 24 years.  I'm sick of feeling down on myself, never being proud of my accomplishments, and I'm ready for a change.

Tomorrow I will post about my goals and how I plan to achieve them!!!